untethered

Having such a difficult time just not feeling bad.

Not feeling like I’ve lost everything.

Not just being sad and angry.

I know I am not different or special, that everyone deals with loss at some point or another in their life. LOSS.

But knowing …. knowing doesn’t help, just makes me feel worse like as in a shitty person. I still have lots of things…. I have a partner who loves me and makes sure I have what I need. I have a home. I have friends. I have my fur babies. Mostly my health (we won’t get started on the shittiness of aging).

But my family MY family is all but gone. In four years I’ve lost my mother, father, uncle, aunt, cousin, brother-in-law, my last grandmother and now my father. My mother and father. Gone. I am the last of my family, the end of it. And with the loss of my family I have lost some of my past, my memories our stories.

It feels like nothing will ever be the same again – all that was before has ended. Holidays…. done. I don’t know how we went from having a table with seven leaves and often twenty + people around the table to no one, an empty table.

And it’s hard to not see my own mortality looming.

I miss my mother. I didn’t know it would be this hard.

I miss my grandparents.

My dad…. did he ever even understand what had happened and that he’d reached his end? He got up like normal and did his usual things, going about his day and deep in his brain a blood vessel burst causing a hemorrhagic stroke from which he would not be able to recover….

So yes I feel untethered…. and I feel my time disappearing.

….. thinking about it further it’s the realizing to that I don’t have a “home” to which to return. I can never go home again, not to my growing up home. Not to the place my memories were made; where I became me. The safe place. With the deaths of my grandparents and now my mom and dad, that “home” is gone. And that is hard.

A friend has described it as feeling like an orphan even though she has siblings. There is just such an aloneness to it.